Miserabile :: written at a hard time in my life

I haven’t spent much time here. Thus far I have given nothing but broken promises to my readers and for that, I am deeply apologetic. There’s been a lot going on in my personal life however, I’ll not regale nor bore you with details. just know that it is wearing me thin.

I will say that I am having another baby and I am pleased to announce that he/she will be adopted by a loving family! Many of my family & friends firmly disagree, however, given the circumstances this is the best decision for the baby’s future.

Anyhow, being hormonal & having a lot of drama is NOT easy. Add all this to now being a full time student and you have an overwhelming surge of feelings. For the past two days I’ve been struggling to label them. I know that at the very least, it’s discomfort. I’m not angry or hurt. Maybe aggravated or annoyed…I guess in order to sort this out, I’ll need to get detailed.

You know how it is though, when you want to move forward with your life & repeating the same sad story just won’t do. I don’t want to replay the details of this sordid year so I feel a run on sentence coming on….

I got into a relationship with a manipulative man and got pregnant about six months later shortly thereafter I discovered that he was still seeing other people as a result we fought and now he’s pressing charges for simple assault. Which is pretty laughable…u’ve all seen him compared to me ((breath)) On top of this he claims that I have been stalking him and his out of state girlfriend. I won’t get into details bc this is a public blog & the case is on going, however! ((breath)) I will say that justice will prevail 3x & You will all know what that means later.

So as I wrote that last statement (the run on) I felt my chest tighten. I have just one question plaguing me “why must this continue?” & bc it has been a never ending cycle of fuckery, I’m wondering on his end why not just end it? Ive tried to bow out several times only to be dragged back by my coattails. And now it seems the burn will be long lasting.

Is this confusion? No, I’m clear that I want to be removed from this “love” triangle. Is it fear? Possibly. The other corners of the triangle are obtuse…(get it? Lol) & bc they are such, u can’t put anything past them. So sometimes I think abt the threats that have been made to me & my loved ones & wonder if they were idle or certain. Is it anger? I can’t say. I don’t feel my blood boiling. I don’t feel steam escaping my ears. Thus far all I’ve wanted to do is sleep & party. But I have a daughter that is fully dependent on my sanity so doing so would work against me & her. I can attempt to bury myself in my studies but that becomes mundane & my thoughts wander back to trying to discern this indescribable feeling. Sadness or disappointment? Well I’m not disappointed. I had very low expectations of this man from the beginning but I did want him to prove me wrong. Sad I guess could suffice. I just want to move on as quickly as possible but being pregnant and having to face these bitches in court is not making that possible.

Just as a side note — I could see the disdain in his eyes when he looked at the ultrasound screen. It didn’t hurt tho bc neither one of us wanted more children. Of course I don’t feel disdain towards the growing life inside of me. After all, it was my irresponsibility that led to its existence.

ALAS!!

As I do believe I’ve figured out what this feeling is, I’d like to thank you all for taking this walk with me.

mis·er·a·ble /ˈmiz(ə)rəbəl/

Adjective 1. (of a person) Wretchedly unhappy or uncomfortable.

So by definition, I am miserable. I’m sure some of my phantom readers will take light in this discovery and I am okay with that. Bring on the “i told you so!” Bc I told me so as well. I’ll ask that you please remain seated in the peanut gallery as I am still explaining my discovery. I’m unhappy & uncomfortable only it has nothing to do with his decision to be on the other team. It is solely bc for the past two years I’ve been in quicksand & I thought, for a split second, that he was going to offer emotional comfort during this time of recovery. The minute I learned otherwise…several times in the past…I should’ve laced my sneakers & hauled ass. but…he is the best pussy/ass eater I’ve ever encountered & while this should have no bearing on why I stayed in this relationship, it was very helpful.

So my misery is self inflicted. And now that I can effectively say that I am unhappy and uncomfortable. Unhappy because I’d like to move on with my life and never look back but until this court shit is over & until I have this baby, I can’t. I have to see him again. 😦 I’m uncomfortable bc I actually got pregnant by this bitch ass idiot exactly one year later! Ugh yes, yes, I am careless – to say the very least. I’m also uncomfortable bc this cafone was around my daughter.

*taking a moment to stretch* I feel so much better now. I feel like this is the first step, u know? Confronting your emotion. If I don’t know how I feel, how can I fix it? It is way to late to abort…I’m pretty sure I can feel the baby flutter & besides could I live w/ myself after seeing the beautiful outcome that is my MadiMelon? Probably not.

So now how do I keep busy besides my studies? DATING! No, I’m only kidding. By going out on another date, that would imply that I haven’t learned a damn thing. Right? (heh heh)

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