It’s 3 AM. I haven’t done this is a while. “This,” meaning vent on a public forum. I’ve got a list of things on my mind; things I would like to accomplish that I don’t see happening in the near future but it would be beyond momentous if it did. So this is a list, no more or less.
1. Find an apartment in a quiet and safe neighborhood. Somewhere off the grid but not so much so that there’s no room for interaction.
2. Pay off my debts – particularly student loans.
3. Finish school. Become a CPA…but I’m almost 30. My mom tells me the world is coming to an end everyday & there’s no point in wanting more or trying for more. Never directly, always in a passive manner – but this isn’t the place for that.
4. Write comfortably about anything & everything. I want to lose the fear of offending my family and friends.
5. Apologize to my mom but also explain some things to. I think that my mom feels like making mistakes mean you don’t care. Nothing matters beyond the mishandling of a situation.
6. Talk to my sister. We don’t like each other. I didn’t start disliking my sister until a fee years ago when it became clear how much she dislikes me. The love is there. It’s still there, I can feel it but there’s also an unhealthy burden of what I’m hoping is a misunderstanding.
7. Reach out to Madison’s family – however I’m not pressed about it. This is actually the last thing on my mind but I don’t want to forget to put it up here.
8. Apologize to Desmond. He’s always been a great parent and supportive. I sometimes wonder if his supportive nature becomes smothering because it squeezes everyone else in my life out. This is a losing battle. There are things he needs to atone for as well and us both being prideful people, we try to have this conversation and it goes nowhere. My energy for this has depleted but the desire has not.
9. Apologize to Kesha. I said some wicked things to this girl. I miss the friendship but if I could take back what I said, I would and eventually, I will make my rounds because I am the queen of bottled up rage. Lord help the person it explodes on.
10. Talk to Taylor. This is a friend from childhood. I miss our childhood friendship but we have our differences and I believe have grown apart.
11. Put another list of things to do together for what happens next. Maybe add a time line to this one. There are still many things I want to accomplish while the world is shattering around us, while the tombs open and Jehovah’s rage grows more apparent.
12. This isn’t quite as important either, I suppose. One day I want to explain to my mom why I hate that she brings up the time I asked her to call me Kimberly. I was around five or six. The ugliest little black boy said that I was ugly because I was black. Just the day before, I was his little girl friend and suddenly, I was hideous because of the color of my skin. It amazes me how these things, little things, can mold you. Anyhow, he told me that the white girl, Kimberly, she was pretty and she would always be pretty because she is white. I went home and left post its around the house as a reminder to myself and my mom that my name should be Kimberly.
I’m going to bed.