Drunken with dusty feet, I stumbled to the rooftop with my shoes in hand. The wind whispered, “Jump & you will fly!” To which I replied, “Jump & I’ll surely die.” The cool summer rain soothed my burning skin.
I raise my glass to the people with full resumes & adequate experience yet lack the sheet of paper that exempts them from inferior pay. To Those of us actively hunting for our purpose under the umbrella of others. It’s time to dance in the rain.
There’s something so inviting in the wind. The way it rustles the leaves, kisses my skin, and beckons me to follow its patterns in the sky. Chimes jingle in the distance, reminding me of the twilight sneaking into my window as we cracked our eyes after a night of passion.
If what they say is true, 'Home is where the heart is.' And every time you look around, he's with the same someone else, his heart is not with you.
All of Monday I had the strangest feeling. I felt unsettled and uncomfortable. I assumed this feeling was due to the stress I have been experiencing with my finances as well as the apartment building I live in, my work life, and my love life. I haven’t been able to focus on my story telling or anything that I typically do to keep my creative mind active. I stayed up until around ten last night fiddling around with ideas of what I could do while my children are away for the week. I couldn’t settle my mind on anything so I turned everything off and went to sleep on my sofa. I woke up around two in the morning. From there I still did nothing. I surfed the net for two hours; scrolling various threads on Facebook. My brain was still clouded so I called my children’s father.
We talked for about thirty minutes until I decided at 4:13 AM that I should probably lay down. I wake up at five AM everyday to get ready for work so trying to take a nap after a fairly sleepless night was a bad idea but I did it anyway. My alarm went off at five and I, of course, hit the snooze button. Then I heard shuffling across my floor. That’s not very unusual, I’ve been hearing just about every morning since I was a kid. My mom’s slippers have always been too wide so they slide across the floor when she walks.
I continued to lay on my stomach but cracked my eyes. A wave of panic rinsed over me because I was supposed to be at home alone. My mind raced through possibilities of who could be in my house as the shuffling sound grew closer and I heard my mother say, Jay, it’s five AM honey, it’s time to get up.
All at once I could feel my body getting heavier and I couldn’t breathe. My face felt as though it was being squeezed and my mouth was sealed shut and my chest, arms, and legs were pressed firmly against my couch; I could feel the imprints of hands holding me down. The entire time it was as if someone was standing over me watching other people hold me still.
My phone’s alarmed sounded again and my eyes searched for it wildly. It was there above my head. I could see it lighting up. I could see the red and orange images prancing across the screen but I could not move. The presence standing over me remained as did the hands holding me down. I began fighting against my immobility. I tried to rock my shoulders but did not move. I tried to reach for my phone but was unable to do that either. There was whimpering in the distance, whimpering I could only assume was my own.
I felt like my body gave up and my breathing had grew to be more labored and then it stopped. I was able to roll to my side and sit up but I felt the presence sit next to me. The hands that held me forcefully to my couch felt as though they were still hanging on to me. My chest hurt and I was dizzy. The presence that moved to my side was fading away. I closed my eyes to get my bearings but I dared not to fall back asleep. Each time my eyes closed, I could hear a clanging sound. Coming from the darkness in my eyelids there was an ice blue mask with cracked lips surfacing through a pool of black.
The mask had no expression and there were no eyes; only a face that appeared to have weathered a violent tempest. Sleep was over coming me again but I would not allow my body to succumb to its grasp. I opened my eyes wide and slid off of my couch. I could not let this happen for a second time.
My chest has felt heavy most of the day and I haven’t been able to catch my breath. Sleep paralysis is the mystery that entered my home early this morning without provocation. Sleep paralysis which is noted to have no cause in particular yet plagues millions of people. What do the people likely have in common? Weary hearts, heavy minds, and likely low energy levels. I don’t believe this is simply a random affliction that can happen to anyone.
Has this happened to you?
I have to see him today and I am oddly calm. I don’t know what that means. When he chatted with our oldest daughter this morning, I took note of his backgroud. I could see he was home, with his other children. I think I am coming to the conclusion that a two parent home is better than one.
There are so many thoughts running through my mind. I don’t want to be an example of how women are strong and they can make it alone. I know we can. I think this can end one of two ways, my daughters will see what a dysfunctional relationship looks like or they will see what a functional father looks like.
People are always saying that if he’s a good father, he will stay around anyway. But why should I put a man to the test?
Toes numb from drinking.
Calves tingling with anticipation
Shivers up spines
Sparks in finger tips
My 3rd eye is blinded by sexual things.
Hoping if I can perfect the pleasure they bring
I can move on to my spiritual well being.
slow and sensual. graceful and warm
the sweetest song i’ve ever heard.
like salsa or kompas
like tap or ballet
anything but modern.
love me classically and endlessly.
my body is aching for passion. passion with you. my body needs to be touched. fuck my mind. i mean really – fuck my mind. who cares? just touch me.
sounds i want to hear:
creaking of my bed
my nails scraping the walls.
nothing of substance
I sewed my hair in long and straight.
I pinched my nose and narrowed my eyes.
“Smile,” I said, “you’re almost perfect.”