I keep wanting to write but it requires me to get into that uncomfortable head space where there are tears. I am fearful that once the fog fades there will be too much clarity. What can I hold on to once the pain is gone?
It’s 3 AM
Do you know where your lover is?
I do not.
Chances are i never will.
I haven’t written anything of substance as of late. Just blurbs in an effort to get my fingers moving. I’ve been going through a trying time in my love life and it’s all I can think about. It’s funny that I say “love life” because this part of my life was devoid of fiery love or passion. This part of my life was more about companionship and parenthood.
I want to write it all down and send it to the universe but I fear that once it is written, it cannot be undone. There is something in me that believes in order for he and I to get past this, I must not put it into the universe. I should hold it close to my heart where it hurts the most.
I have been keeping the details pressed against my chest where it seems to be causing a full body reaction.
It hurts to breathe,
it hurts to blink,
it hurts to sleep,
My companion is banking on me wanting to do anything to rid myself of this pain but this betrayal is a fine two edged sword sharpened with manipulation and deceit.
Here I am writing about how I feel but not about what has happened. I forcefully pulled back the magician’s curtain and now the magic is gone. I want to rewind everything because the knowledge of the deceit is more painful than the speculation.
We’ve been down a similar road before and I managed through that. I just don’t know how in going to get past this.
My soul is aching and I can’t say for certain that I know why.
When my heart feels so heavy that the tears you could wring from it will create torrential downpour, I write.
I write until I can not write anymore. Until my eyes are heavy and my fingers are cramped and I have wrung the last tear from my heart.
This time, I don’t know where to begin. This time my hands are not large enough to wring my own heart. They are not capable.