9 AM

I have to see him today and I am oddly calm. I don’t know what that means. When he chatted with our oldest daughter this morning, I took note of his backgroud. I could see he was home, with his other children. I think I am coming to the conclusion that a two parent home is better than one.

There are so many thoughts running through my mind. I don’t want to be an example of how women are strong and they can make it alone. I know we can. I think this can end one of two ways, my daughters will see what a dysfunctional relationship looks like or they will see what a functional father looks like.

People are always saying that if he’s a good father, he will stay around anyway. But why should I put a man to the test?

8 AM

This is the first morning since I’ve discovered his double life that I did not call him. Instead I put on some music and sped to work. And still the silence is extracting my energy.

What’s the point of all of this when I will likely go back anyway? I hear it when people say “you deserve better.” I’m sure I do not know what “better” is.

There was a moment when my sister said to me “Why does he like you so much? He must not know you.” My mother said she was just doing what sisters do. I didn’t think I was so bad until the moment she said that to me. So if my sister doesn’t think I’m worth loving and yet he loves me then why should I leave?