::Random 51::

There’s something so inviting in the wind. The way it rustles the leaves, kisses my skin, and beckons me to follow its patterns in the sky. Chimes jingle in the distance, reminding me of the twilight sneaking into my window as we cracked our eyes after a night of passion.

:Random 50:

If what they say is true, 'Home is where the heart is.' And every time you look around, he's with the same someone else, his heart is not with you.

The #GirlLove Challenge

This is really awesome. I saw the #GirlLove challenge floating about and thought that it was really amazing to see women taking the time out to honor one another in such a way. I didn’t imagine that I would be selected to share in this challenge for a number of reasons but they do not matter! I am truly grateful to be recognized by Whitney C., a fellow budding novelist that I also admire.

WHITNAAAY Whitney C.
https://writeliveandlove.wordpress.com/

I recently started following this young woman and I find myself relating to a lot of what she writes from a personal stand point. It seems that we share opinions on various issues that I typically wouldn’t voice my opinion on. I admire her for being comfortable enough to speak her opinion on topics regardless of what others may think. Her writing feels like it comes across so naturally. I can’t wait to read more of her work!

 

Rosita Whiskey In A Teacup
https://notalovepoet.wordpress.com/

Another recent follow, this young lady has a knack for words and she’s awfully talented. Her latest poem Cracked echoed feelings of my past. For her to be so much younger than myself and yet be able to describe interpersonal relationships in the way she has displayed is praiseworthy. I’m looking forward to seeing what this young lady has in store.

 

The next person is a dear friend of mine that does not blog. I know, I know – the challenge is for uplifting fellow bloggers, however I am newly active to the blogging community so I do not follow many people just yet. My friend, Shatara does not blog but she should! I’ve read much of her private work and I believe that it was not only healing for her to write but to also share. There are many women out here (myself included) that are yearning to know that we are not the only person experiencing these things. Shatara, you are an amazing writer and you should by all means begin sharing your work on a public platform!

 

Kesha Chat with Kesha
http://www.project88k.com/

Kesha brings an all too familiar perspective on life balance. It’s something we have discussed on many occasions. We both work demanding full time jobs, have two small children, and aspire to write for a living. Without Kesha’s consistent encouragement, I may have never bothered to publish my first book. I’ve had the opportunity to read samples of her fictional work and I am truly excited to read the finished product! Her first short story “A Tragic Love Affair” will be available on Amazon.com very soon.

 

My fifth female is the woman reading this post. YOU ARE AMAZING and YOU ARE MORE THAN ABLE! I can’t speak on the mind set of a man but I can say for fact that a woman’s mind is ever busy. Especially the mind of a mother. I want you to know that you can do this! You can write and work and still take care of your home. It’s hard and sometimes exhausting but you have to keep moving forward. There are a lot of motivational speakers out there that will tell you that there are a lot of sacrifices to be made to get to where you want to be and they’re right! But don’t forget that wellness comes first. Take your time and respect the process.

Now, for all of you all that would like to participate, here are the rules for the #GirlLove Challenge:

  1. Tell your followers who inspire you, a famous woman who may be dealing with negativity on a daily basis.
  2. Tell your followers who inspire you in real life, a woman you always interact with.
  3. Tag five women bloggers who you love. Compliment them and tell them why you love them, and comment under their latest post with the link to your #GirlLove post!

If you get tagged, do the post on your own blog. If you want to do it anyway, do it anyway! Add the tag ‘Girl Love’ to your post, so we can see them all! Let’s start 2016 with LOVE for each other!

Love thy Melanin

I read a personal essay about a dark skinned woman that envied her light skinned friend. I found the article when researching different ways of describing Black women with lighter skin. Anyhow, this essay was so very important to me. One, it noted the banality of best friendships between dark skinned and light skinned women (something to consider when writing). Two, and more importantly, it spoke for me. The essay spoke for me and said something I had hardly admitted out loud unless I was holding private discourse.

It’s true, on a scale of one to ten, I am probably a steady five with pretty teeth. I went from lamenting in this fact as a high school student to reveling in it as a college dropout. I can’t be attractive, so I’ll be smart, witty, over sexualized, and hilarious. This worked for a long time until it didn’t. It worked until I had my first child and being the succubus I had grown to adore was no longer acceptable.

In transitioning from party girl to working mother, I had lost sight of the beauty I had learned to see in myself. Then all at once, during my self-examination, it occurred to me that what I once saw was superficial beauty. It was beauty I mainly found in my sexual parts. So I dug deeper.

Outside of having a dislike for my skin tone alone, I also had the misfortune of having non-European features. This would be a wide nose, broad forehead, and round cheeks. Now I’m seeing my color from a different perspective. Now I’m noticing that it’s okay to have such bold features with fair skin and dainty features with darker skin. This discernment caused the scale to further tip against me, or so I thought.

The more I researched the many different colors of the human race, the more I  have learned that there is no such thing as non-Euro or otherwise African features; that long before America’s melting pot, there was Mother Africa in all of her diverse glory. So if it’s not my skin that makes me dreadfully unhappy with my appearance, then what is it?

Am I a victim of deep seeded self-loathing, a long term result of the Lynch Letter? It’s possible. Is what I am experiencing closer to self awareness rather than self hate or self pity? That could be it as well.

Is there anything wrong with knowing that you didn’t win the gene lottery and yet you are still priceless? I don’t think so.

I think if I am able to feel like it’s okay to not look like a sun kissed goddess but still feel like a million bucks then where does that leave me? I’m not sure but it’s the closest to resolute that I have ever been.

It’s funny because I believe my children are terribly beautiful. There was a time when I had a hard time believing that they came from me. I don’t want them to feel inferior based on their appearance which is why it’s even more important for me to find the answers.

 

 

 

Life of a Writer

This is random but I’m sitting here trying not to beat myself up. The fact is, I’m only human. I’m entitled to be easily distracted, aren’t I? I question this because my “sole purpose” of opening my laptop tonight was to write. But I have no self discipline and I wind up doing things that are not related to writing in the least. I’m hoping that another writer will reach out from my woodwork of creative followers and tell me that this is a part of any creative process. So here goes.

  1. Finding good music. Something to vibe to that isn’t too loud or fast paced. Perhaps a little sensual or even melancholy.
  2. Watching funny vines. Animals are so funny. No emotions, my ass. *Scoff*
  3. Signing on to WordPress & finishing a short story and starting a new one.
  4. Wait, I finished a story so before I start a new one, I surf the net and by net I mean Facebook and maybe instagram.
  5. Bad lady cramps. Let’s get on the floor and stretch. May as well work out a little too.
  6. More Facebook – funny cat compilation.
  7. Starts new short story
  8. Pondering my life.
  9. Puts baby back to sleep. ( in addition to being a writer, i also have two children)
  10. Self doubt
  11. Food?
  12. No. – just no.
  13. More self doubt.
  14. Okay, more writing.
  15. Meh…I can’t even finish this list.
  16. Sleep.

Never Ending

I’m fighting against the stereotypes of being
a Black woman.
a single mother. a co-parent.
a plus sized woman or
not that big” woman.
a leader questioning mainstream ideals.
a follower that wants to feel loved.
a young woman with Daddy issues.
a woman with the “Mad Black Woman” syndrome.

I’m suffocating & grasping at freedom. I’m dying to break free or maybe I’m simply dying.

For my girls

To my lovely and beautiful children, this is what I have to leave you – my words. I leave these with you with the hopes that by the time you are older, I have something more to give. It saddens me, the world we live in. I can be taken from you at any moment, and you from me. The worse part of this fact is that should I go before you have the opportunity to truly know me, you will never know me at all. Your knowledge of me will be based on what others know of me and no one knows me anymore. In fact, I’m still learning me. I have been mulling this over for a few weeks now, maybe longer. Sometimes I wonder if other parents consider this or if I am being a bit morbid. Am I? Is it morbid to consider the words of others in the event of my untimely demise?

I analyze the behaviors of my past and the arguments as well as the losses. Promiscuous. Selfish. Mean. Rowdy. Obnoxious. Unambitious. Lax. Indifferent. Weird. Crazy. Quick Tempered. Hot and Cold. These would be the words of people who knew me growing up. People that are unwilling to know me now and I can’t fault them for that. These are words that I can agree with. These are adjectives that I am willing to admit that I once displayed and probably still do from time to time. Unfortunately, I have not met many people since I’ve had you. Introvert. Tactless. Amusing. Indifferent. Kind. Confused. Ambitious. Talented. Lost. Sad. Selfless. Considerate. These are words that I have been able to pinpoint for myself. We are all human, that is for certain and we are ever changing and developing. But at what point do we, as people, acknowledge the changes that other make? Or when do we acknowledge that changes that we see in ourselves?

I want for you to know me as I am in the present. I want you to know that I live and breathe for you. I want you to know that despite the views of others, I have made every attempt to better myself as a result of your presence in my life. I want you to believe in change and growth.  I will show you the best way I can. I will show you strength and resilience.  To be clear, I want you to be nothing like me. I want you to be better – to be great in your own right.

Being a leader…

…a tidbit for my daughters

To be a great leader, you have to learn how to be an excellent team player. You are able to turn your team’s weaknesses into strengths instead of leaving weaker individuals at the bottom. Replacing people because of their weaknesses before attempting development will only leave you with new people and new weaknesses. Where are you going without a strong team? Being trusted and respected results in an everlasting union between a leader and her team. If people fear or distrust you, it won’t be long before they are seeking your replacement!