My soul is aching and I can’t say for certain that I know why.
When my heart feels so heavy that the tears you could wring from it will create torrential downpour, I write.
I write until I can not write anymore. Until my eyes are heavy and my fingers are cramped and I have wrung the last tear from my heart.
This time, I don’t know where to begin. This time my hands are not large enough to wring my own heart. They are not capable.
To my lovely and beautiful children, this is what I have to leave you – my words. I leave these with you with the hopes that by the time you are older, I have something more to give. It saddens me, the world we live in. I can be taken from you at any moment, and you from me. The worse part of this fact is that should I go before you have the opportunity to truly know me, you will never know me at all. Your knowledge of me will be based on what others know of me and no one knows me anymore. In fact, I’m still learning me. I have been mulling this over for a few weeks now, maybe longer. Sometimes I wonder if other parents consider this or if I am being a bit morbid. Am I? Is it morbid to consider the words of others in the event of my untimely demise?
I analyze the behaviors of my past and the arguments as well as the losses. Promiscuous. Selfish. Mean. Rowdy. Obnoxious. Unambitious. Lax. Indifferent. Weird. Crazy. Quick Tempered. Hot and Cold. These would be the words of people who knew me growing up. People that are unwilling to know me now and I can’t fault them for that. These are words that I can agree with. These are adjectives that I am willing to admit that I once displayed and probably still do from time to time. Unfortunately, I have not met many people since I’ve had you. Introvert. Tactless. Amusing. Indifferent. Kind. Confused. Ambitious. Talented. Lost. Sad. Selfless. Considerate. These are words that I have been able to pinpoint for myself. We are all human, that is for certain and we are ever changing and developing. But at what point do we, as people, acknowledge the changes that other make? Or when do we acknowledge that changes that we see in ourselves?
I want for you to know me as I am in the present. I want you to know that I live and breathe for you. I want you to know that despite the views of others, I have made every attempt to better myself as a result of your presence in my life. I want you to believe in change and growth. I will show you the best way I can. I will show you strength and resilience. To be clear, I want you to be nothing like me. I want you to be better – to be great in your own right.
…a tidbit for my daughters
To be a great leader, you have to learn how to be an excellent team player. You are able to turn your team’s weaknesses into strengths instead of leaving weaker individuals at the bottom. Replacing people because of their weaknesses before attempting development will only leave you with new people and new weaknesses. Where are you going without a strong team? Being trusted and respected results in an everlasting union between a leader and her team. If people fear or distrust you, it won’t be long before they are seeking your replacement!